I want to sleep but I can’t. Sleep, these days, it seems is the haven of the safe and secure. Funnily, I have always been a person that loves sleep. Give me a dark room, a soft, downy bed to sink into and plenty of covers and I surrender gratefully to the well of unconsciousness. Let the world go on without me. Sleep perchance to dream is my motto and what is better than dreams? Nowadays, there are too many thoughts and challenges clanging in my brain for solutions. More often, of late they steal away my dreaming sleep.
I have discovered in myself a penchant for quietness. I have always been a social person, garrulous, outgoing and blessed with many friends. This year marks a period of change in which I have withdrawn into myself and had to make a concerted effort to be with them. I have asked for their forgiveness and understanding. I love them just the same but my ability to communicate has been truncated at times. Some of my friends put me on notice but its hard to open up when you know no one can help. It’s especially hard if people have not walked in your footsteps. I have learned the hard way that there are times in life when outside help is meaningless, you must find the strength to stand by yourself with God’s help. I am, of course grateful for all the love and support I have received but life changes you, sometimes without your consent.
In this period of introspection, I have begun to notice just how much people talk about nothing. So much space, so much noise and it’s often about nothing. I have realized with dawning horror that I am just as guilty as the rest.
Since the fortunes of life have changed my path, my reality is bent on survival. Material survival, yes, but emotional and mental survival as well. It takes all my focus to shoulder the burdens that keep landing in my lap so I have developed another face. The face which I show so often to others is a mask that I use to hide this change, panic and sorrow. I have experienced panic which crests and falls with a strength that I have not experienced before. This year, has brought me so much sadness as I have dealt with the loss of my estranged father; the realization that I may never have a child; my disconnection from family; choices I have made which can not be undone and mounting debts coupled with financial insecurity. It is scary to see all that you have worked for on the precipice of dissipation. Scary and weighty. I have questioned who I am, the worthiness of past endeavors, my foolishness at nurturing grievances and my inability to forgive others for things real or imagined. I have spent a lot of time pondering who I will become. Life is a never-ending path on the road to our becoming. It’s been like an interior free fall, so I have been defying gravity, you see.
I don’t like cloaking these things and being someone I am not, so often I have chosen to be silent and distant. It has taken all my strength to fight off depression and face reality. She can, at times, be a cruel mistress. I succeed, at times, in mastering my anxieties and I applaud myself for the victories that have come my way, knowing how hard won they were. The paring away of material security has given me gratitude for the essentials and so I wonder why so many words that leave our mouths are meaningless. I wonder at how much of our time is caught up in self-generated drama and foolishness. I have resolved to myself that once the storm is past, I will not forget the lessons it has contained because therein lies balance and a security within which can never be challenged. I want that so badly so that if a time of change of this magnitude ever comes upon me again, I will be better prepared and able to withstand it. It is way more important to me than material things.
My only resolution for 2011 is to be stronger, happier and more courageous in the face of whatever may come. Everything else is just drivel.