Wishing For The Ground To Open Up? Been there, done that.

I love to chatter and harken back to days gone by, but occasionally things come whizzing through your brain that let you know the present is the best place to be. I had just such a moment the other day when, for some bizarre reason, we were discussing our most embarrassing moments. Why? I can’t really say except that it is sure to provide a moment of hilarity. Beyond that, well…

At barely 20, I was like most young adults, overly enamoured with all things sexual (if such a thing is possible) and continuously looking for a place to get it on. You too? lol. I had a steady boyfriend and it seemed like the very mission of our lives, besides getting money to go clubbing all weekend and buy new clothes. We both lived at home and it seemed we were thwarted at every turn. Then, the Gods threw us a bone and my boyfriend’s mother got a job working for the MTA overnight. Can you say overjoyed? 

One drunken night, we were hanging out at his house quite late. You know how time escapes you when you’re in an altered state, but as teens we had very little cognizance of this pertinent fact. We were watching the clock, but since we had pulled it off quite a few times we were quite relaxed. What could go wrong? I always managed to be gone by the time she got home so we had become, dare I say it, confidant of our success and brilliance. Ah, the stupidity of youth. It never occurred to either of us that (a) she might come home early or (b) that we might misjudge the time.

That night, I had sauntered off to the bathroom, naked as the day I was born. Yeah, that’s how relaxed we were. On my way back to the  bedroom, I heard the sound of the front door unlocking and I froze. I did the best human imitation of a deer in headlights in the history of mankind and actually turned towards the door. God only knows why I didn’t run. It must have been the shock. Abruptly, my body became one giant wall of flesh that I tried to hide with the classic, defensive, crossed arms posture. Absolutely hopeless. My mouth hung open in what must have looked like complete idiocy and I was rooted to the spot. ROOTED. I could not have moved if you paid me money. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Never again have I felt like that, thank all the Gods and Goddesses.

At that moment, time seemed to move achingly slow but in hindsight, I realize that she barely missed a beat. She turned and locked the door. By this time, my boyfriend heard her, and adding to what I can only attribute to monumental stupidity and protectiveness, came to stand behind me, naked and gawking. We looked at her like she was a ghost. Yet, all she did was look at us with one small smile and walked off to her bedroom.

Her departure, cracked the ice and we scampered back into the bedroom to dress frantically. We looked at each other every so often in silent horror and then she called him. Amazingly, her voice was soft and calm. Not one word was said as he walked me to the door, promising to call me tomorrow.

When I hit the street, the cool morning air blew against my face, drying the sweat of panic. I was subsumed beneath a wave of relief. Good God. I stood grimacing in horror and thought, “Well, it could’ve been worse. Yeah, but HOW??” The phrase In flagrante delicto floated through my head, and that sent me into gales of laughter which is how the taxi driver found me at 4:30 in the morning. He shook his head but if only he knew lol.

No other moment comes close to that on my embarrassment meter and the eerie recollection I have of every moment as it rolls through my mind in slow motion is testimony to it’s effect upon me. As an adult, I applaud her for her complete composure in a moment that surely would have driven most parents bonkers. I later found out that her only comment was to inquire if we were (a) using condoms and (b) to be careful as his little brother was in the house, sleeping of course. Much later, she told him that we were of age and she figured it was better that we were there than getting into trouble elsewhere. Still, we thought she was the COOLEST Mom ever. Even so, I assiduously avoided her for as long as I could and it took the longest time, even though we dated for seven years, for me NOT to blush in her presence. Umm, we moved out shortly after that…

**Names have been excluded to protect the not so innocent.

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